Pet Peeve Thursdays: Getting Loans Without Sense
(1 Cent): It's Not Bad ... Until You Lie
Do you know what really chaps my cheeks? People who act like high rollers (a.k.a. Mr. Moneybags, Ballas, Richy Rich, Big Spenders, etcetera) but who can barely afford to eat off the dollar menu at a fast food joint OR people who try to lie to get money to act like the said high roller. Now, I work for a loan company -- for only two more weeks; I've taken another job (higher paying, blah, blah, blah ... that's neither here nor there) -- and I've seen things that should go straight to SNL. Now, I'm not saying getting a loan is bad -- there are times when, for some people, it is necessary. I'm not talking about all customers. I'm taking about the very small percentage that gives me material for my blog. I'm just saying don't be a poser.
Here's a list of things to avoid while getting a loan (in no particular order):
#1): If You Need A Post-Dated Check Loan, You're Probably Not "Rolling In Dough" ... So, people sometimes need a post-dated check loan because of a surprise circumstance, or an emergency and that's fine. Just don't go strolling into the place like you're Bill Gates' illegitimate step-child. Don't come to me flaunting your cubic zirconia encrusted watch that looks faker than Paris Hilton's smile, saying you earn at least $4,000.00 a month and you're CEO of this company. Ok, Mr. CEO. Here's your $500.00. Now you can go back to the swap meet and buy some more jewelry to achieve "Balla" status.
#2): You Walk In Thinking That We Are Obligated To Give You Money ... We (loan officers, managers) don't owe you anything. This isn't the Food Stamp line or the free sample table at Costco. Not everybody is going to get something. If you don't have the proper papers (or a JOB!) then no dice.
#3): You Don't Meet The Qualifications ... Speaking of not having the proper papers (or a JOB!) ... if you don't have the proper papers (i.e. a government issued I.D., job related pay stubs, etcetera) or a JOB (i.e. you go somewhere, you do some work, you receive money for your services ... I'll stop there) then you don't qualify for a loan. How do you expect to pay it back? With that $2.37 smile? With the 5 cents you might receive if you recycle the empty can of Diet Pepsi that's been sitting on the floor of your car for 3 months? C'mon, people. C'mon.
**My Favorite Story: One time, I had this lady (?) come in who tried to get a loan without: any form of I.D., no banking account, no paystubs (or even a job), no contact number (i.e. house phone or cell phone). All the while she was feverishly trying to convince me she was "good for it." Yeah, I'll lend you some money after I leave my 4 month old cousin to be babysat by Hitler and his pet tigers. Unbelievable. But, no, it doesn't end there. She was borrowing a "friend's" cell phone to call her other "friend" down at the bank to prove she really banks there. She spent 23 minutes of her "friend's" call time while talking to a bunch of people who had no clue who she was or what she was talking about. Who needs T.V.?
#4): Smelling Like You Need A Shower More Than Money ... Whether it's B.O., cigarette smoke, the "mystery order" -- or the lovely trifecta of them all -- please shower before you come to borrow money. What will happen is: you come in all stinkdafied, I'll have to hold my breath, I'll try to go through all your inaccurate paperwork faster than 'Ricky Bobby' just to try to get rid of you, I'll most likely misread something, give you money just so you can leave, then you'll default and you'll be in the hole more (financially) and I'll have another bad loan. You see all the trouble a little soap and water could have prevented?
#5): Telling You The Same Exact Things After You've Been A Customer For A Year ... How did some of you people get up to this point in your life? If you've been coming in every 2 weeks for the past 52 weeks ... and everything down to the penny has never changed ... why do you act like it's your first time in the store? Why do you feel the need to ask what the store name is called so you can write your check? Do you honestly not know?!?! If it was "Big Cash Store" 12 weeks ago ... 10 weeks ago ... 8 weeks ago ... (getting repetitive?) ... 6 weeks ago ... 4 weeks ago ... 2 weeks ago ... then what do you hypothesize it will be today!?!? Uh, uh ... "Small Pennies Store?" No, wait. Hmm ... "Big Cash Store?" Ding, ding, ding!!! Congratu-freakin-lations! What do we have for her Johnny?! She wins: not having the computer monitor thrown at her car!
#6): Not Reading Signs ... In the paraphrased words of Ben Stiller's character Derek Zoolander: words are sometimes big and scary ... but only if you read them. I know sometimes it takes too much brain-power to actually take a couple seconds and read a sign than to actually ask me a question, but that's what we have signs for (my apologies to those who can't read ... wait, what am I saying? You can't read this ... you'll never know! Ha!). For example, if I had a sign that reads: "We Do Not Cash Any Types of Checks Here" and you come to me asking if we cash checks here, I should have the right to put a little baby powder on my hand and backhand slap you. If you read the sign and ask, "I know it says you don't cash checks here, but do you cash checks from the state?" then I should have the right to slap you until my hand hurts, then slap you one more time for making it hurt.
#7): You Who Bring All 5 of Your Children In To Run Amok Inside The Store ... So, what makes you think that I'm going to like your children turned rabid baby apes anymore than you do? If you can't stand them, then there's a good chance (as in, if you were in Vegas, you would double down right now) that I can't stand them. Especially if they're screaming and yelling in my cavernous office while ripping apart the magazines and moving around the chairs and tables after they got done tearing out the green, fake moss out of my green, fake plant. Fantastic. Then, you proceed to give me a half-hearted apology? Yeah, well, why don't you just complete the ransackage and spit in my face as your spawns give me the bird. Oh, and here's your money. May I suggest a cattle prod? How about a lightweight trident (traditionally known as the trishula)?
#8): Getting Angry At Me Because You Don't Have The Money To Pay Off ... This is the special kind of person who gets upset at me because their cash flow is less than envious and they're not financial equipped to make their payment. So, let me get this straight. You chose how much to borrow. You chose the due date of the payment. You know how much money you will have on said due date. As the due date arrives, you get angry at me because of the amount that needs to be paid AND because you didn't "know" the due date was so soon ... uhh, even though you chose it to begin with. Huh? I'm sorry that the title "part-time, seasonal sanitation engineer" sounded a little more pecuniarily affluent than it really was ... just don't take it out on me.
#9): Stealing My Pens ... Yes, this is somewhat of a small thing, but dag! Pens don't grow on trees, ya know (look it up). I've had some people ask to take a pen, and if I'm feeling all humanitarian-like, I'll let it leave the store. But, if time after time, every instance you leave the store and take my pen, it gets annoying. I don't want to have to get one of those little ball-bearing chain and anchor thingies to keep my pens captive. But I will, if I have to.
#10): Taking Out A Loan and Leaving The Country (Without Intent On Returning) ... Ahh, yes. The ol' "Take Your Money and Buy A Plane Ticket To Never Return" move. Classic. Yet, I still hate it. The effrontery of you people! Go ahead, have a good laugh all the way back to Chile on your "free" flight. I just hope somewhere down the line, you choke on some indigenous, tropical fruit. Don't think we don't have our collection agency after you ... we have your SSN and a picture I.D. As soon as your pinky toe sets foot onto American soil, we'll be on you faster than Andy Dick on Lance Bass at a pajama party.
(2 Cent): No Ill Will
I don't mean to sound heartless, but these are just some of the experiences that I don't think are necessary and/or shouldn't happen. Just don't act like something you're not. And if you're annoying, then at least for the 5 minutes you spend with me, act like you're not.
Just think before you do things -- this might take some a couple minutes, I know. Plus, if you're hard up for cash (haven't we all been at one point or another?) just don't act like you're the Prince of Whales. So, the next time you want to flaunt that shirt that says "Bling, Bling" but you need some money just to "Eat, Eat" then just re-prioritize. I'm just sayin'.
(1/2 Cent): Gimme Your Pet Peeves
Write in and let me know what gets under your skin. I'm sure it peeves me off too and then we can share in the stupidity of others together. Aww, good times. Write to HCP2007@gmail.com or just leave a comment using the envelope icon below.
HCP
Do you know what really chaps my cheeks? People who act like high rollers (a.k.a. Mr. Moneybags, Ballas, Richy Rich, Big Spenders, etcetera) but who can barely afford to eat off the dollar menu at a fast food joint OR people who try to lie to get money to act like the said high roller. Now, I work for a loan company -- for only two more weeks; I've taken another job (higher paying, blah, blah, blah ... that's neither here nor there) -- and I've seen things that should go straight to SNL. Now, I'm not saying getting a loan is bad -- there are times when, for some people, it is necessary. I'm not talking about all customers. I'm taking about the very small percentage that gives me material for my blog. I'm just saying don't be a poser.
Here's a list of things to avoid while getting a loan (in no particular order):
#1): If You Need A Post-Dated Check Loan, You're Probably Not "Rolling In Dough" ... So, people sometimes need a post-dated check loan because of a surprise circumstance, or an emergency and that's fine. Just don't go strolling into the place like you're Bill Gates' illegitimate step-child. Don't come to me flaunting your cubic zirconia encrusted watch that looks faker than Paris Hilton's smile, saying you earn at least $4,000.00 a month and you're CEO of this company. Ok, Mr. CEO. Here's your $500.00. Now you can go back to the swap meet and buy some more jewelry to achieve "Balla" status.
#2): You Walk In Thinking That We Are Obligated To Give You Money ... We (loan officers, managers) don't owe you anything. This isn't the Food Stamp line or the free sample table at Costco. Not everybody is going to get something. If you don't have the proper papers (or a JOB!) then no dice.
#3): You Don't Meet The Qualifications ... Speaking of not having the proper papers (or a JOB!) ... if you don't have the proper papers (i.e. a government issued I.D., job related pay stubs, etcetera) or a JOB (i.e. you go somewhere, you do some work, you receive money for your services ... I'll stop there) then you don't qualify for a loan. How do you expect to pay it back? With that $2.37 smile? With the 5 cents you might receive if you recycle the empty can of Diet Pepsi that's been sitting on the floor of your car for 3 months? C'mon, people. C'mon.
**My Favorite Story: One time, I had this lady (?) come in who tried to get a loan without: any form of I.D., no banking account, no paystubs (or even a job), no contact number (i.e. house phone or cell phone). All the while she was feverishly trying to convince me she was "good for it." Yeah, I'll lend you some money after I leave my 4 month old cousin to be babysat by Hitler and his pet tigers. Unbelievable. But, no, it doesn't end there. She was borrowing a "friend's" cell phone to call her other "friend" down at the bank to prove she really banks there. She spent 23 minutes of her "friend's" call time while talking to a bunch of people who had no clue who she was or what she was talking about. Who needs T.V.?
#4): Smelling Like You Need A Shower More Than Money ... Whether it's B.O., cigarette smoke, the "mystery order" -- or the lovely trifecta of them all -- please shower before you come to borrow money. What will happen is: you come in all stinkdafied, I'll have to hold my breath, I'll try to go through all your inaccurate paperwork faster than 'Ricky Bobby' just to try to get rid of you, I'll most likely misread something, give you money just so you can leave, then you'll default and you'll be in the hole more (financially) and I'll have another bad loan. You see all the trouble a little soap and water could have prevented?
#5): Telling You The Same Exact Things After You've Been A Customer For A Year ... How did some of you people get up to this point in your life? If you've been coming in every 2 weeks for the past 52 weeks ... and everything down to the penny has never changed ... why do you act like it's your first time in the store? Why do you feel the need to ask what the store name is called so you can write your check? Do you honestly not know?!?! If it was "Big Cash Store" 12 weeks ago ... 10 weeks ago ... 8 weeks ago ... (getting repetitive?) ... 6 weeks ago ... 4 weeks ago ... 2 weeks ago ... then what do you hypothesize it will be today!?!? Uh, uh ... "Small Pennies Store?" No, wait. Hmm ... "Big Cash Store?" Ding, ding, ding!!! Congratu-freakin-lations! What do we have for her Johnny?! She wins: not having the computer monitor thrown at her car!
#6): Not Reading Signs ... In the paraphrased words of Ben Stiller's character Derek Zoolander: words are sometimes big and scary ... but only if you read them. I know sometimes it takes too much brain-power to actually take a couple seconds and read a sign than to actually ask me a question, but that's what we have signs for (my apologies to those who can't read ... wait, what am I saying? You can't read this ... you'll never know! Ha!). For example, if I had a sign that reads: "We Do Not Cash Any Types of Checks Here" and you come to me asking if we cash checks here, I should have the right to put a little baby powder on my hand and backhand slap you. If you read the sign and ask, "I know it says you don't cash checks here, but do you cash checks from the state?" then I should have the right to slap you until my hand hurts, then slap you one more time for making it hurt.
#7): You Who Bring All 5 of Your Children In To Run Amok Inside The Store ... So, what makes you think that I'm going to like your children turned rabid baby apes anymore than you do? If you can't stand them, then there's a good chance (as in, if you were in Vegas, you would double down right now) that I can't stand them. Especially if they're screaming and yelling in my cavernous office while ripping apart the magazines and moving around the chairs and tables after they got done tearing out the green, fake moss out of my green, fake plant. Fantastic. Then, you proceed to give me a half-hearted apology? Yeah, well, why don't you just complete the ransackage and spit in my face as your spawns give me the bird. Oh, and here's your money. May I suggest a cattle prod? How about a lightweight trident (traditionally known as the trishula)?
#8): Getting Angry At Me Because You Don't Have The Money To Pay Off ... This is the special kind of person who gets upset at me because their cash flow is less than envious and they're not financial equipped to make their payment. So, let me get this straight. You chose how much to borrow. You chose the due date of the payment. You know how much money you will have on said due date. As the due date arrives, you get angry at me because of the amount that needs to be paid AND because you didn't "know" the due date was so soon ... uhh, even though you chose it to begin with. Huh? I'm sorry that the title "part-time, seasonal sanitation engineer" sounded a little more pecuniarily affluent than it really was ... just don't take it out on me.
#9): Stealing My Pens ... Yes, this is somewhat of a small thing, but dag! Pens don't grow on trees, ya know (look it up). I've had some people ask to take a pen, and if I'm feeling all humanitarian-like, I'll let it leave the store. But, if time after time, every instance you leave the store and take my pen, it gets annoying. I don't want to have to get one of those little ball-bearing chain and anchor thingies to keep my pens captive. But I will, if I have to.
#10): Taking Out A Loan and Leaving The Country (Without Intent On Returning) ... Ahh, yes. The ol' "Take Your Money and Buy A Plane Ticket To Never Return" move. Classic. Yet, I still hate it. The effrontery of you people! Go ahead, have a good laugh all the way back to Chile on your "free" flight. I just hope somewhere down the line, you choke on some indigenous, tropical fruit. Don't think we don't have our collection agency after you ... we have your SSN and a picture I.D. As soon as your pinky toe sets foot onto American soil, we'll be on you faster than Andy Dick on Lance Bass at a pajama party.
(2 Cent): No Ill Will
I don't mean to sound heartless, but these are just some of the experiences that I don't think are necessary and/or shouldn't happen. Just don't act like something you're not. And if you're annoying, then at least for the 5 minutes you spend with me, act like you're not.
Just think before you do things -- this might take some a couple minutes, I know. Plus, if you're hard up for cash (haven't we all been at one point or another?) just don't act like you're the Prince of Whales. So, the next time you want to flaunt that shirt that says "Bling, Bling" but you need some money just to "Eat, Eat" then just re-prioritize. I'm just sayin'.
(1/2 Cent): Gimme Your Pet Peeves
Write in and let me know what gets under your skin. I'm sure it peeves me off too and then we can share in the stupidity of others together. Aww, good times. Write to HCP2007@gmail.com or just leave a comment using the envelope icon below.
HCP
posted by HCP @ 11:44 AM
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