Pet Peeve Thursdays: Gym Etiquette

(1 Cent): The Canon

Do you know what really chaps my cheeks? Those people with annoying habits and/or tendencies that impede other people's activities. To kick off this first Pet Peeve installment, I chose to talk about these lame people from the gym. In no particular order:

#1): Not Wiping Sweat Off of Anything … I’m not just talking about sweat from their forehead, either. As much fun as it sounds to be wallowing in a pool of another’s “liquid exertion” this has to stop. There’s even rules to help prevent this from happening (i.e. you must bring a towel, a sign that says you must wipe down the machine after use, etcetera). Should this not be monitored more closely? If I see one more freshly planted sweat stain in the shape of a deformed heart on any seat, I’m going to snap.

*Hygiene Tip: The same towel you use to dry your nether-region, don’t use for your face … this just happened the other day … I wish I were lying.

#2): Grunting, Groaning, or Yelling … I understand that sometimes on the last rep of the last set you need to give out a little, “grr” to expend that last bit of energy. I don’t understand the need to moan and groan like you’re auditioning for a C-level 70’s porno. I mean, every movement? Every rep? Are you serious? Unless you’re trying to show us what a grizzly bear sounds like passing a pine cone (sideways), tone it down.

#3): Wearing Sunglasses While Lifting … I swear on everything Schwarzenegger that I’ve seen this look on two separate occasions. There is no – NO – legit explanation for you wearing Ray-Bans while lifting unless you’re shielding your fovea from your pasty reflection in the mirror. On second thought, that’s not even a worthy excuse. A totally heinous move.

*Best Part: The first time I saw this crime, it was from an 18 year old kid who couldn’t be more than a buck-twenty. Think Vin Diesel’s unfinished, pine coat rack with sunglasses.

#4): Trainers – You’re Too “Hands On” … If your client needs to get a Hep B shot after your training session, then you might be a tad too touchy. Your client does not need to be groped on their shoulders, arms, stomach, buttocks, or legs in order to know their lifting form is correct. Be an adult. Use your words.

#5): Couples Holding Hands While Going From Station To Station … This is just an unnecessary act while in the gym. Sure, you’re in love and that’s great but you have to pick your spots (and the weight room isn’t one of them). Nobody wants to see that; plus I don’t feel like playing a little game of Red Rover just to get through the narrow walkways between machines. You want to hold something? Try a dumbbell.

#6): Blatant Staring and Flexing In Mirror … Basically, these people need to find another way to stroke their ego. Yes, yes, it’s a free country … you go to the gym to get a better body and should be able to see the fruits of your labor, blah, blah, blah. There’s nothing wrong with noticing yourself, but there is moderation in all things. Other than looking narcissistic (which is a great turn on I hear), it just looks pathetic. It’s like they’re thinking, “Look at me everybody! I need attention now!” Save face and halt, Mr. Olympia.

#7): Incessant Talking, Holding Up Workouts … No one else around you cares that you earned a D- on your chemistry exam, that you’re going to be a famous guitarist, or that Kelly told Christine to not tell Jessica that Brandy told you off. If you’re going to have Social Hour, kindly get off the machine (and then wipe it down). It’s the considerate thing to do. If you need to tell a story, then at least chat while you’re doing your workout. Now go, you little multi-tasker you!

#8): A Brother of #7, Cell Phones In The Gym … Are you really that important that you need to carry and answer your cell phone every 5 minutes? Really? Unless you’re a doctor, my bookie, or a leader of a distinguished mafia there is no defensible reason to carry it with you. None. Please don’t turn the pec deck into a phone booth.

#9): Changing The Treadmill TV’s Without Asking At Least One Person If They Were Watching Something … This isn’t your house; there’s at least a half dozen other people watching the TV, so be polite and at least ask the person next to you.

*My Favorite: I was watching some SportsCenter and just starting my 30-minute stationary trek when all of a sudden this lady grabs a remote and without even looking at anyone else, changes it to The View. Thanks for making my run even more excruciating (yes, the show still had Star Jones).

#10): Racking Up The Weights … I know that you’re buff and all, lifting up those 100 lbs dumbbells, but could you use some of that said buffness and put them back where they belong? I hate going for a certain weight, but needing to go all Jack Sparrow and explore the entire gym for them. Moreover, I know the number “35” looks awfully close to the number “10” but if you do decide to be courageous enough to put the weights back, will you be a little more attentive to the poundage? Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe it was too dark to see with your sunglasses on.

(2 Cent): Who, me?

Okay, truth be told, I’ve been guilty of #7 a couple of times in my life but it’s definitely not a habit. We’re all trying to be considerate (aren’t we?) but to do any or all of these faux pas on a regular basis deserves the revocation of your gym membership and/or having someone else’s sweat sprayed directly into your eyes with a SuperSoaker. I’m just sayin’.

(1/2 Cent): What Chaps Your Cheeks?

Write in and let me know some of your pet peeves. I bet if it bothers you, it most likely bothers me. I’ll incorporate the best one(s) next Thursday. Write to HCP2007@gmail.com with the e-mail heading of “Pet Peeve Thursdays.”

HCP