Grab Bag Fridays: Reaching Far ...

(1 Cent): Almost A Pet Peeve

So, I wanted to do the Pet Peeve Thursday article today in one of the ‘cents’ but was inspired by a conversation I had with my Mother to do something different. Basically, the conversation went from, “Yeah, that Brandon guy (real estate broker) was speaking pretty good Spanish” to “Yeah, not bad for a White Boy” to “He was probably telling them, ‘I’m sorry, you can’t afford to buy a house here with your income for assistant part-time janitor” to “Hey, there’s no such thing as a useless job … think of what would happen if we didn’t have garbage men … we’d live in filth!” to “Oh, I bet I can come up with some useless jobs … guaranteed” which leads me to now and my conception of The Useless Jobs List. I guess it can kind of be a pet peeve … I mean, useless jobs chap my cheeks sometimes … right?

**Useless Jobs** (in no particular order)

1): The Second Greeter at Wal*Mart … I mean, one is bad enough. It’s not like I feel welcome having someone with a face only a mother loch ness could love who reeks of pending death. Do I really need two of them? Is it just in case one is too slow at hi-ing me down, the other is like, “gotcha, sucka!” This position is just a waste of a blue vest and $3.17 an hour.

2): The Elevator Man (aka Elevator Boy, Elevator Operator, or the Liftman) … What, I’m not capable of pushing my own buttons? Have we come to the point where we, as a society, are so lazy we pay people to push the freakin’ elevator buttons for us? How does one even muster up the gall to apply for the position of the Elevator Man? (Or woman, I love being politically correct for you fem-Nazis out there).

3): The Price Checker at any Dollar Stores … Do I even have to explain this? “Uh, how much is this candle?” “Wait, let me go get the guy who price checks ….” “Excuse me, what is this piece of artificial bark going for now?” “Hmm … I’ll have to use my price checking gun … it might be a dollar, but I can’t be too sure.”

4): The Guy Who Dances, Makes A Fool of Himself, or Thrusts a Sign In The Air Constantly for Little Cesar’s Pizza … Is this clown making me want pizza? No. He’s actually making me want to swerve and launch him into the traffic saturated median. Have they actually done some research and came up with a good enough stat to make this happen? I can see the one sided conversation now: “Well, Mr. Cesar, our numeric data shows that the stores that have a moron dancing with an oversized pizza sign, 1980’s headphones, hobo-styles pants all the while wearing his pit-stained shirt have increased their monthly sales by 0.00327%. This makes it imperative to have at least one of these said morons on the corner at all times – rain, sleet, snow, or ghettos.”

5): The “Inspector” for my clothes … I don’t know whoever Inspector #36, Inspector #109, or Inspector #55 are, but they apparently are useless, because those are the fools that let a shirt go through (that I bought) that had some small but serious defects in it. Can you believe that I had a button hole all the way sewed up? I couldn’t even cut it with a knife! Where were you on that one, huh? Luckily for Inspector # 42 I don’t button up my polo shirts. I think they just get so carried away putting on their little stickers that they don’t even check the shirts. If they’re not going to inspect the clothing, then why even employ them?

(2 Cent): Where’s Everybody At?

So, I didn’t get any comments, questions, or even pocket lint this past week. Maybe I should just have a “Fan Mail” thing once a month, to accumulate more responses? I don’t know … I’m thinking it has to be something like that. Or I need to increase my fan base (from like, 2 to 4). Do I have to offer bribes? Cold hard cash? My blood!?! Let me know, people. I’m not just doing this for my own enjoyment (oh, wait, I am). I’d appreciate any table scraps you give me! Write to HCP2007@gmail.com.

(1/2 Cent): Did you know …

… those Crest Whitestrips really work?

… that pay day is glorious beyond description?

… we (my softball team) can still win even if I suck?

… Team USA is 7-0 and needs only 2 more wins for gold?

… I have a steak of 19 consecutive days dating back to the summer of ’04 of when I wash my car, it rains either that day or the next day?

… that ‘sugar gliders’ are animals that really exist?

… my fantasy baseball team is only one win away from clinching a playoff spot?

… I’m running out of ‘did you know’ questions?

HCP