Pet Peeve Thursday: How 'Bout A Lick?
(1 Cent): Hmmm ... Wet Bucks!
You know what really chaps my cheeks? People who lick their fingers -- to moisten them to the right viscosity -- right before they count their cash and hand it to me. I know there might be some times when you're counting some fresh bills from the bank and they're super stiff and stick together ... but can you attempt to separate them by rubbing your fingers together first? I don't want to be handed a small, aqueous wad that I have to touch with my own hands. That's a little sick-nick and deserves a solid 5 out of 10 on the HCP No-No Scale.
My favorite is when you have to continuously tongue-stroke your fingers (like an addict savoring every speck of crack) while you count each bill. I'm talking about people who would put Steve Nash to shame. Twenty ... (lick) ... forty ... (slurp) ... sixty ... (burp-slurp ... ooh, shouldn't have had that chili-Frito boat) ... eighty ... (snort-lick) ... one-hundred. Yeah, thanks for that. I'll be in the other room throwing-up about something else.
(2 Cent): You Little Liar!
Okay, so we all lie a little bit. Even if we're not trying to. "Oh, no, honey ... you look fabulous with that jean skirt over those sweatpants." "Naw, your breath is fine ... but, uh, have a Tic Tac or seven just 'cause." "I love mutton!" No one is perfect and we slip up here and there. Sometimes we lie so we don't look as bad in certain situations ... sometimes we lie to not hurt someone else's feelings. Whatever your lie is, though, at least make sure you're at least halfway good at it.
Don't tell me that you came to my store on Saturday at about ten 'til 3pm and I was closed and you thought I was open until 3pm unless you actually went to the store and saw that I was not there. That particular Saturday, I had to stay until about 3:15pm. I had not only heard the message on the answering machine that you had tried to come before 3pm but we were closed, but then while face to face with me you say it again. You were not there ... but I was. I mean, in this particular instance, wouldn't the truth have been better? Something to the affect of, "I was busy watching Judge Judy and didn't make it down in time" or "I'm more forgetful than one of those ... uh ... whatchumacallits" or "I'm lazier than an obese, paralyzed Paris Hilton with no car." The excuse wouldn't have mattered.
Moral of the story: if you're going to lie, at least be on O.J.'s level and get away with it.
Note: HCP and his affiliates do not really condone lying ... unless it's for over $30.
(1/2 Cent): Uh, Oh ... Here Comes The Titanic!
Here's a nice little self-deprecating anecdote that was inspired by last week's countless re-runs of the movie Titanic starring Leonardo DiCrapio:
Back in the day, when Titanic first the the box offices, I was subjected to this movie three (3!) times in the theater ... albeit it was my choice and on three (3!) different dates. I remember thinking half way through the first viewing, "Hey, this won't be so bad to see again" while I knew full well I'd be seeing it once more. During the second viewing I remember thinking, "Whew, I'm glad this will be the last time seeing this ... plus I'm running low on loot." After realizing I would "have" to see it for the 3rd time in about 5 days (and after I was done stabbing my eyes with a stainless steel dinner fork) I remember thinking, "Note to self: don't ever do the same three hour movie three times in a week."
Seriously. What was I thinking? I mean, wasn't I smart enough to know that any girl I asked out would want to see that movie? Didn't I get the hint after #2? My goodness ... after being $40+ dollars poorer and having 9+ hours of my life purloined ... I thought I was done with that movie.
Nope!
TNT graciously brought it back and played it back to back (to back to back). A glorious flashback for Yours Truly, indeed.
Check back tomorrow for Grab Bag Friday. Thanks for reading!
HCP
You know what really chaps my cheeks? People who lick their fingers -- to moisten them to the right viscosity -- right before they count their cash and hand it to me. I know there might be some times when you're counting some fresh bills from the bank and they're super stiff and stick together ... but can you attempt to separate them by rubbing your fingers together first? I don't want to be handed a small, aqueous wad that I have to touch with my own hands. That's a little sick-nick and deserves a solid 5 out of 10 on the HCP No-No Scale.
My favorite is when you have to continuously tongue-stroke your fingers (like an addict savoring every speck of crack) while you count each bill. I'm talking about people who would put Steve Nash to shame. Twenty ... (lick) ... forty ... (slurp) ... sixty ... (burp-slurp ... ooh, shouldn't have had that chili-Frito boat) ... eighty ... (snort-lick) ... one-hundred. Yeah, thanks for that. I'll be in the other room throwing-up about something else.
(2 Cent): You Little Liar!
Okay, so we all lie a little bit. Even if we're not trying to. "Oh, no, honey ... you look fabulous with that jean skirt over those sweatpants." "Naw, your breath is fine ... but, uh, have a Tic Tac or seven just 'cause." "I love mutton!" No one is perfect and we slip up here and there. Sometimes we lie so we don't look as bad in certain situations ... sometimes we lie to not hurt someone else's feelings. Whatever your lie is, though, at least make sure you're at least halfway good at it.
Don't tell me that you came to my store on Saturday at about ten 'til 3pm and I was closed and you thought I was open until 3pm unless you actually went to the store and saw that I was not there. That particular Saturday, I had to stay until about 3:15pm. I had not only heard the message on the answering machine that you had tried to come before 3pm but we were closed, but then while face to face with me you say it again. You were not there ... but I was. I mean, in this particular instance, wouldn't the truth have been better? Something to the affect of, "I was busy watching Judge Judy and didn't make it down in time" or "I'm more forgetful than one of those ... uh ... whatchumacallits" or "I'm lazier than an obese, paralyzed Paris Hilton with no car." The excuse wouldn't have mattered.
Moral of the story: if you're going to lie, at least be on O.J.'s level and get away with it.
Note: HCP and his affiliates do not really condone lying ... unless it's for over $30.
(1/2 Cent): Uh, Oh ... Here Comes The Titanic!
Here's a nice little self-deprecating anecdote that was inspired by last week's countless re-runs of the movie Titanic starring Leonardo DiCrapio:
Back in the day, when Titanic first the the box offices, I was subjected to this movie three (3!) times in the theater ... albeit it was my choice and on three (3!) different dates. I remember thinking half way through the first viewing, "Hey, this won't be so bad to see again" while I knew full well I'd be seeing it once more. During the second viewing I remember thinking, "Whew, I'm glad this will be the last time seeing this ... plus I'm running low on loot." After realizing I would "have" to see it for the 3rd time in about 5 days (and after I was done stabbing my eyes with a stainless steel dinner fork) I remember thinking, "Note to self: don't ever do the same three hour movie three times in a week."
Seriously. What was I thinking? I mean, wasn't I smart enough to know that any girl I asked out would want to see that movie? Didn't I get the hint after #2? My goodness ... after being $40+ dollars poorer and having 9+ hours of my life purloined ... I thought I was done with that movie.
Nope!
TNT graciously brought it back and played it back to back (to back to back). A glorious flashback for Yours Truly, indeed.
Check back tomorrow for Grab Bag Friday. Thanks for reading!
HCP
posted by HCP @ 2:17 PM
1 Comments:
At 3:59 PM,
Trichotillomaniac said…
Did you ever wonder why they print money green?
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